Is Self-Care Selfish?

As I sat in the doctor’s office during a hot, sticky July day, I couldn’t focus. I was so anxious with everything I had to do for work, the kids, my business, the list went on and on. But I felt awful, and knew I had to wait to see the doctor. The nurse came in to take my vitals, and sensing my anxiety, told me to calm down. I explained I was just too busy to be there, and she said, “Honey, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to take care of yourself first.”

Her words stopped me in my tracks. An empty cup. Yes, that described me so perfectly. I was sick, and yet I had convinced myself that I had no time to see the doctor. How many of us have been at that point? No time to get sick; never any time for critical well visits like mammograms or the annual OB/GYN event.

Why do we believe putting our own health and needs last makes us any better mothers, partners, friends, or employees?

After recently being diagnosed with a chronic illness, I have had an unexpected crash course on the importance of self-care. Here’s a few things I learned over the past three months that may resonate with you, and perhaps give you the validation (and motivation) you need to take care of yourself:

1. Self-care is not selfish. You cannot take care of anyone or anything else around you if you are not well, physically, mentally, or emotionally. It is imperative to not only acknowledge this, but to actually believe it.

2. As much as everyone around you loves you, unless you make yourself and your needs a priority, no one else will. If you need time alone to clear your head, even 10 minutes behind the bathroom door, take it.

3. Naps, pedicures, haircuts, and new shoes all count toward self-care. No explanations are necessary.

4. It is critical for your kids to see you taking care of yourself. If they don’t, there is a chance that one day, they will not take proper care of themselves, either. Being a martyr for them only teaches them to be martyrs, too. How you treat yourself is how you are inviting the world to treat you.

5. Mammograms, pap-smears, and physicals are non-negotiable. Every year. Breast and ovarian cancers don’t care if the dog had to be groomed or dinner had to be cooked.

6. No is a complete sentence.

7. Exercise is an effective way to clear your mind. You don’t have to do 100 dead lifts. A walk outside in nature can completely change your breath and your perspective.

8. Eat whole foods, but indulge yourself occasionally. Eat the chocolate. Have the ice cream. Constant deprivation never made anyone happy or balanced.

9. Be vocal about what you need and what you want. Use your voice. It is possible to be kind and firm.

10. Surround yourself with positive people who accept you. If someone is negative, critical, or co-dependent, take a step back. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as theirs.

11. Sleep when you can, find people who make you laugh, and don’t judge yourself. We are all doing the best we can.

We, as parents, often feel as if we are not doing enough. We twist ourselves into pretzels to do everything and be everything for everyone else. It’s what we implicitly signed up for, and personally, I’m grateful for the beauty and complexities of raising a family. But somewhere along the way, I forgot that I’m a person, too. And I need to take care of myself – as do all of you.

Self-care is a priority and a necessity – not a luxury – in the work that we do as parents.

So do one good thing for yourself today. I promise it will change your entire perspective. Fill your cups – then pour.

* This article originally appeared on The Mommy Vortex.