Teaching Kids to Self Advocate

When I picked my son up from his summer day camp a few days ago, we were both exhausted from a long day. As I do everyday, I asked him how his day went, if swimming in the lake cooled him off, expecting the usual answers. But instead, my son said rather quietly,” I didn’t get to go in the lake today. I was told to stay on the beach with someone who couldn’t swim.”

I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t buddied up with another swimmer, as he is every day. After a long story, I finally understood that a counselor had made an error, and my son just accepted the mistake without saying a word. I don’t know if it was my own long day at work or the intense heat making my suit feel like it was permanently stuck to me, but I got really angry. Why wouldn’t you tell them that you are a swimmer? That there was a mistake! Why would you bake on the sand all afternoon not saying a word??

My son was pretty upset he didn’t get to swim, and had a lot to say to me about it. But he remained silent earlier that day to the counselors. I stopped the car and turned around back toward the camp. I wanted to (gently?) remind the counselors that he took his swimmer’s test and shouldn’t have to sit on the beach all day, sweating, based on an oversight. I got all the way back to the gravel parking lot nestled in the woods, and stopped myself.

No. I wouldn’t do this for him. He’s a month shy of being 10 years old. He is an incredibly articulate and thoughtful boy for his age. I can’t be that helicopter parent. I won’t.

So I turned to him and told him that tomorrow he must use his voice and advocate for himself. That although the adults are in charge, and that although safety is a top priority at the lake, he must speak up. Respectfully. But staying silent was not an option. He had to explain to them that an error was made, and he had to make sure it didn’t happen again.

Yes, I knew that this was not exactly a life-or-death situation, but my son’s inability to advocate for himself, even in this small situation, illustrated a pattern of behavior that I was becoming increasingly unhappy about.

I was still angry when I arrived at my daughter’s camp. Not two minutes after she got in the car, she informed me that she got in trouble today, but said, “don’t worry mommy, it wasn’t me who did it.” Trying to extract the full story from a five year old was maddening, but I eventually discovered that another little girl was peeking at campers under the bathroom stalls, and they confused the kids, incorrectly blaming my daughter. My daughter was reprimanded – and never told them she didn’t do it! It wasn’t until a while later, when the other child confessed, that my daughter was off the hook.

I was furious! How could she just stay silent? Was I really failing to teach my kids to advocate for themselves or was I doing it so much for them that they hadn’t even learned how?

If it didn’t happen to me with both kids twice in one day, I wouldn’t have believed it myself. But here I was, with two kids that were supposed to be enjoying their summers, dealing with a similar failure to self-advocate. I spoke to my daughter quite harshly, trying to explain to her in terms that should would understand, that she had to defend herself, that she had to use her voice, even if the adults were wrong. Especially then.

Sometimes adults make mistakes, or get distracted, or are sadly apathetic. Sometimes it’s an innocent misunderstanding, but other times, it may not be. I needed my kids to understand that they could advocate for themselves in a polite and respectful manner – and that they absolutely had no choice but to use their voices when necessary. They certainly have no trouble blaming each other when there is an argument in our house; there are times I can’t even hear myself think over their earsplitting protestations of innocence.

And yet, with other, trusted adults, they were silent.

I know that I cannot always be there for them. And even if I could, if I spoke up for them, they would never learn to do it for themselves. They needed to understand their self-worth, the value of their voice and the importance of defending themselves when appropriate.

As much as I wanted to intervene in both situations, I ground my teeth and stayed out of it. I firmly instructed them both to speak to their counselors the next day – which they did. How those conversations actually went, I’ll never fully know. Giving up control as a parent is tough, but it’s necessary for their growth.

And even though these situations were not critical in any way, I do see them fully for what they were: excellent teaching moments. While I think it will be a long time before my kids effectively change their behavior and begin advocating for themselves when necessary, it’s step in the right direction, for us all.

* This article originally appeared on The Mommy Vortex.