The Upside of Sibling Rivalry

About an hour before my kids and I were headed to a friend’s birthday party, I heard my children bickering in the other room. Before I could even get there to see what was wrong now, I heard my nine-year-old son screaming in pain. He met me in the hallway with blood dripping from his arm: the result of two impressive scratches from his five-year-old sister.

I was really angry and disappointed in their behavior, as I am every time they argue. And this time, I was furious, as I have a zero tolerance policy for any physical fighting. He was bleeding! I dealt with his injury before I reprimanded my daughter, made her apologize to her brother, and placed her in a time-out that lasted until we left for the party. I’m sure a child psychologist would tell me that a 45 minute time-out was not really effective, while another might advise that I should not have even taken her to the party. Either way, I did the best I could under the circumstances, and that’s where she stayed.

I’m not even sure what they were fighting about – truthfully, I’m never really confident that I get the entire story when I ask about their latest argument.

What I am sure about, however, is how incredibly awful I feel watching them being cruel to each other.

I feel like an epic failure as a parent. And while they certainly don’t fight all the time, it really feels like it.

Despite our parental concern, some psychologists believe that sibling arguments are actually essential to healthy language development and conflict resolution. After years of research, Dr. Claire Hughes, in her book Social Understanding and Social Lives, discusses how sibling arguments can sometimes be a good thing. She explains that learning how to deal with conflict at such a young age assists us as we get older, in both our personal and professional relationships.

I get it. But it’s hard to tell yourself as a parent that it’s perfectly fine to see one of your children bleeding at the hands of your other child because they are practicing conflict resolution.

So when we arrived at the party, I was still quite annoyed. I was telling another mom about what happened, when one of the other parents came up to me to tell me how lucky I was to have two kids that got along so well. Huh? I looked behind me to see who she was talking to.

Apparently, the kids had to split up into groups for this party, and my son not only chose my daughter to be on his team, but told his two friends that they had to help her play because she was so much younger. And then my son proceeded to take care of her for the duration of the party.

I don’t want to say I was surprised – I’d like to think my kids are learning how to be decent human beings – but I was taken aback. It was like the morning screaming match over some nonsense never even happened. At that moment, I was really proud of my kids, especially my son. And I thought, OK, maybe I’m doing something right. I don’t know what, but something.

And that’s really the thing. We parents despair over the sibling arguments. We cajole and negotiate.

We use guilt tactics (when I’m gone you’ll only have each other!), and we sometimes resort to begging. I remember once telling my son that I laid on bed rest for six months so he could have a sister – and therefore he should be grateful for her instead of arguing with her. At seven-years-old, I’m fairly sure he had no idea what I meant by that.

But we keep at it, and it turns out that all those in-between moments matter.

All those times we teach the kids to compromise, to speak their minds and find a solution; all those moments when we show them how to fight fair, apologize, and make up, they all matter.

Because as we show forgiveness and understanding to our children, to our family members and friends, the kids are learning by example. They learn that one argument doesn’t end a marriage or a friendship, and one disagreement isn’t worth ruining an entire relationship over.

Yes, they are little and may not be able to articulate what they are learning. But their actions demonstrate what they know. They show us they get it, because after they go six rounds over the latest plastic piece of nothing, they take care of each other. They do things like run over to their big brother in the hallway at school to give a quick hug. They share their snack and protect each other from bullies.

They show each other love and understanding and kindness, even if it only lasts a few minutes.

I’ve had to remind myself often lately that I’m not a terrible parent because my kids argue with each other, taunt each other, and bicker about nonsense. It’s hard not to feel like you’re doing something wrong when the people you love the most – the ones you are responsible for raising into reasonable adults – can’t get along.

So I revel in those glorious moments – those few and far between times – when my children are not only getting along, but actually taking care of each other. I watch as my son puts his arm around his sister as they walk into school, steering her around a puddle, and I remind myself that these moments matter much, much more than all those silly arguments. And that gives me peace, if only for a moment.

* This article originally appeared on The Mommy Vortex.