We Are Doing Enough Moms, Really

As we were stuck in traffic two weeks ago, my son looked out the window at a small amusement park along the highway we were traveling, and asked if we could go there. My daughter chimed in with a whiney we NEVER go anywhere fun. I sighed, and guiltily thought that yes, I should take them to the rides more often.

Sitting in the passenger seat, I glanced back down at my phone, where my Facebook feed was displayed. I saw my friends’ updates for the day: swim lessons, boy scouts, a trip to the museum, baseball practice, cake decorating class, math enrichment tutoring. The list went on and on.

Another sigh. I couldn’t help but think that there was really so much more I should be doing with my children. Everything seemed so necessary. I felt woefully inadequate as we sat there, not moving, not doing anything much at all. I had tons of time to think about everything I should be doing with and for my kids.

Those feelings resurfaced one day after school when I saw a little girl with a backpack that had her name perfectly stenciled on it. Wow, I thought. That’s a good idea, I should do that, too. But there was work to finish, homework to be supervised, dinner to be made, laundry sitting in a pile in the corner, and, yes, karate and dance lessons, too. The Sharpie would have to suffice for labeling purposes.

I was already so overwhelmed, that the thought of doing just one more thing was putting me over the edge. Because I normally feel guilty that I’m not doing enough for my kids, seeing and hearing what others are doing just compounds those feelings.

Motherhood has become, in many ways, a deluge of guilt and insecurity.

I question if I’m doing so much with the kids that we never have any down time to unplug and reconnect, and simultaneously wonder whether I’m not doing enough with them so that my kids will be woefully behind their peers in every way possible.

Not to mention that I, like many of you, am pulling 18-hour days, often wishing I didn’t actually need to sleep so that I could finally accomplish my to-do list. Fitting another activity into my schedule would be a small miracle anyway.

Enter the gum chewing incident. My daughter had been begging me for weeks to chew gum. I had a general, quite random rule that the kids couldn’t chew gum until they were five. Just shy of her fifth birthday, my daughter began an unwavering crusade to have some gum. Truthfully, she wore me down, and I relented. I just couldn’t fight one more battle, and if I’m being honest, the rule was so arbitrary that it seemed a waste of energy to even try to argue. Or so I rationalized my defeat.

As soon as my daughter popped that coveted treat into her mouth, she looked at me with bright, happy eyes, and exclaimed, “You are the BEST mother in the whole wide world! I will love you until you turn 18 years old, even more!” I busted out laughing (18? I wish!). And then I started to tear up.

This, this, is what made me a good mom in her eyes: giving her gum? I ignored the “giving-in” voice of guilt in my head long enough to realize that, she’s just a child, and her standards for happiness are generally met with ring pops and hair clips. She loves me just because I’m her mom. And she’s happy simply with gum.

Which made me think: while developmentally important, things like extra math lessons and trips to the aquarium didn’t make me a good mom any more than sitting in traffic on a Saturday made me a bad one. The kids’ needs, their wants and asks, are really so simple. I make it complicated. I make it harder by insisting that the kids need more, deserve more, should do more all the time. I guess at some level all moms do. But that’s just not possible – and arguably, not even healthy. Too many activities make our household quite cranky.

And we can always find more things we should be doing.

But the reality is that we are doing enough just by being their moms, which, as you all know, means doing everything for them – all those mundane, necessary daily tasks. And that’s enough, even if we are not always engaging in cool, educational, fun, or enriching activities.

Sometimes, a Saturday morning in pajamas watching cartoons (read: folding laundry!) is more necessary and beneficial than a trip to see the dinosaurs.

So I must actively remind myself that I am doing enough for my kids. We all are. We know our kids, we know their needs and their likes. We know what our families need to be healthy and happy. And it’s different for everyone. We have to do what’s right for our kids, regardless of what anyone else is doing for their kids.

We are doing enough for our kids, moms. Really.

* This article originally appeared on The Mommy Vortex.