The Five Lessons I've Learned From Parents with Older Kids

When my daughter graduated Kindergarten last week, I couldn’t help but get teary eyed over watching my last “baby” step up to elementary school. I wasn’t alone in the happy tears. Later that day, I ran into a friend whose daughter had just graduated from high school. The mom couldn’t help but cry, knowing that this was likely her daughter’s last summer home as a regular kid. Before they knew it, college, apartments, jobs, and “real life” would soon fill her daughter’s days.

Talking to that mom seriously put things into perspective for me. Suddenly, that Kindergarten graduation, although a sweet milestone, was not quite as sad as I thought. At least my baby wasn’t moving away. Not yet, anyway.

And it got me thinking. How many times have moms of older kids taught me something or given me a perspective that I would not have known had I not listened to them? I’m grateful for all my mom friends, and am especially grateful for my friends with older kids, as their lessons have been invaluable.

Here are the Top 5 things they’ve taught me:

1. This too shall pass.

When you’re in the throes of raising infants into toddlers, it seems as if every tantrum, every sleepless night, every potty training mess is going to last forever. My mom friends with older kids would remind me, kindly, not to get too mired down in the chaos because it doesn’t last forever. It’s hard to believe that when you’re knee-deep in kid vomit, but it’s true. And their perspective did give me a glimpse into a world beyond 3 am feedings. Mostly, it gave me hope.

Moms who stepped back from their careers to raise their children have also reminded me that the baby years don’t last forever, and eventually, you can get back to your career (or feel less guilty working outside of the home) as your kids get older. It helps to know that I won’t have to live my life by drop-off and pick-up times forever.

2. Little kids, little problems; big kids, bigger problems.

This is a tough one to accept, but it is true. Moms of little ones worry about very real issues, like growth milestones, vaccines, and getting into a reputable day care program or quality school. At the time, these issues are all-consuming and genuinely concerning.

But speak to a mom of a teenager, who is worrying about drug addiction and drunk

driving, and suddenly repeated ear infections seem like a gift. I don’t believe that older kid issues in any way overshadow those problems faced by moms with little ones, but there is no doubt that life gets more complicated as the kids grow up. Sometimes, that knowledge can help us moms both support and learn from each other as our kids experience different stages of development.

3. The days are long but the years are short.

When my daughter was just about a year old, I forgot to bring her bottle of pumped breast milk that would keep her occupied while I did my food shopping. I was already in the first aisle when I realized my error, and the thought of packing her back up and heading home was too overwhelming for me. Plus I only had exactly 1.5 hours before my son needed to be picked up from his Pre-K 3 program. I tried to entertain her, but it didn’t work, and she threw an epic tantrum, screaming and dry heaving, the works.

Another mom came over to me, put her hand on my arm, and said, “don’t worry, the days seem long but the years are very short. Try to enjoy this time.”

I sort of wanted to slap the woman. Really?? I could not be nostalgic for the baby years when I was trying to wrangle my screaming toddler back into the cart before she pitched herself into the bananas.

But in retrospect, that other mom was right. Some days seem to last f o r e v e r. Bedtime (if the kids even sleep!) often seems as if it’s sometime next week, and the hours can creep by so slowly.

And then, one day, you wake up and your son is graduating college. How did that happen? It’s very difficult to genuinely enjoy every day when the kids are little, but knowing that one day they won’t pad sleepily into my room in their PJs, wanting to snuggle, makes my stomach tight with a feeling of loss. So I try to do what that mom said, and remember how fast the years really do fly.

4. Do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself.

Last week, a friend of mine had two social events on two different evenings in one week. The second time she was going out, her oldest said to her, “You’re going out again? But you already went out this week!” Mind you, she has three children under six, and getting out for her these past few years has been near impossible. She rarely goes out, but her son didn’t see it that way.

When she told me, I reminded her that she is a person, too, and she needs adult conversation to survive. Yes, to survive. My kids are not much older than hers, but I have had enough perspective and experience to know that if you don’t take that time to go to the gym, have coffee and conversation with another adult, or simply walk the aisles of Target by yourself, you will eventually lose it. We’ve all been there. And it’s good for the kids to see mommy as a real person with interests and friends, not just someone who opens juice boxes and wipes butts.

5. It’s easier to say yes than to say no, but saying no is sometimes necessary.

My own mother taught me this years ago. She would say to my sister and me that it would be so easy for her to give in, to let us do things that she didn’t agree with or give us things we didn’t need/deserve, but that wouldn’t help us grow into mature, responsible, well-adjusted adults. I didn’t understand her perspective then, but I certainly do now.

When my kids ask for extra TV time, or another Wii game, or even just another treat, I have to really think about my answer. Saying yes would be so easy, but what does it teach them? They have to learn to earn the “extras,” and to u

nderstand the difference between wants but not needs. And they need to learn responsibility, even if that means not having a cookie before dinner so as not to spoil it.

I know as they get older the questions are going to be more nuanced, and the requests will have higher stakes. Getting comfortable with the “no” now will hopefully serve us both better in the future.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about or use a lesson taught to me by my mom friends with older kids. I know that the different ages and stages bring their own joys and challenges, and knowing what’s ahead makes it both harder and easier to deal with the present. The kids grow, but the lessons remain.

And before I know it, I’ll be that mom with the older kids, imparting knowledge on someone else, while more than likely wishing I could turn back time.

* This article originally appeared on The Mommy Vortex.