Saying Goodbye to the Guilt Trip

Last week, in the middle of trying to get to an early work meeting, get the kids packed and ready for school, and generally manage the morning madness, I made a mistake. I didn’t know what I had done until I dropped my daughter off at preschool, five minutes early (yes!) and about ten minutes before I had to make my meeting nearby. I was in a rush, but as I walked her through the door, I stopped cold as I observed an absurd number of kids wearing green. I laughed to myself at first, thinking, what a coincidence! I didn’t get that memo!

And then I panicked. Wait. I did get that memo. No, no, no! And as I looked down at my four year old, the tears that had welled up in her eyes started streaming down her cheeks. She was sobbing but not saying anything, which kind of made it worse. I apologized profusely for forgetting that it was “wear something green day,” as the teachers were scrambling to help. I was embarrassed, and I felt like I had failed her. And the guilt was overwhelming. I couldn’t even stay to make it better. So off I went to my meeting, leaving my daughter sobbing in the hallway with her teacher.

We’ve all been there. As women, we are generally hard on ourselves about fulfilling our obligations to others. And we take those responsibilities to a whole new level as mothers, often carrying them around like an albatross around our necks.

I felt so awful about what I had done that I reached out to my Facebook family later that day, looking for support and comfort. My mom-friends didn’t disappoint. What they shared with me that day taught me two things: first, every single one of us moms carries an unreasonable amount of guilt when it comes to doing things (or forgetting to do things) for our children; and two, mom-friends give great advice.

The best advice I heard that day was from a former colleague of mine, who said that the experience my daughter had that morning was good for her because it taught her how to manage a stressful situation and learn that the anger and hurt doesn’t last forever. And that it also taught my daughter how to forgive. At first I thought that was a pretty tall order for a four-year old, but when I picked my daughter up later that day (still apologizing, by the way), she was basically over it. She bounced out of school, chirping about some craft she had made that morning.

Conversely, I had spent my entire day in agony – in mom-guilt hell – for basically no reason.

So while I have to agree with my colleague in that I didn’t scar my daughter for life, my guilt was not completely assuaged by that fact. That mom-guilt is ever present in me at some visceral level, so when I do something that (inadvertently) hurts my child, all that guilt comes bubbling to the surface. It’s overwhelming. And then I take it to the next level because a little guilt is never really enough for us moms. So I go ahead and remember the time(s) I was late picking my son up from day care; the time I forgot to pack an extra snack; the time my daughter didn’t get to go to a birthday party because of a work obligation; the time I missed an activity at school for one child because I had to attend something for the other child. And the list goes on and on and on.

I know I’m not alone. The comments from other moms I received that day were both empathetic and supportive. And that got me to thinking: there are an awful lot of guilty moms out there. . . . and is it really necessary for us to carry that guilt? Most of us are trying to raise our kids the best we can, put food on the table and clothes on their backs, give them a well-rounded education, provide a comfortable home, and yes, spend some fun time with them, too. It’s a tall order for any parent, and sometimes we fall short. It happens. Not intentionally, but it happens.

How we react to those shortcomings, those times when we wanted to do more but just couldn’t for whatever reason, is what matters. Like my colleague said, we can use these as teachable moments – after drying their tears, naturally. We can demonstrate to our kids that no one is perfect, and that sometimes even when we try our very best, we fall short.

But that doesn’t mean we love less or stop trying. We have to learn from these moments ourselves, and we have to move past the guilt. And I think we need to teach our children the same thing.

This time of year can be especially taxing for us parents, with so many school functions, gift collections, end-of-year work responsibilities, and other holiday-related obligations. Our plates are more than full, and forgetting things at this time of year is a given.

My plan, though, is to also try and forget the guilt. It is not necessary and not helpful in any way. It takes away from my joy with my children, and it only shows them negativity. I’m going to make mistakes – I’m human. The kids need to see us moms that way, too, imperfections and all. And maybe, one day, they will learn to be kinder to themselves as parents.

Yes, I know none of us wants to be that mom, the one who forgets to dress their kid in the right color clothing or sign a permission slip for a school trip. And that’s a good thing. But sometimes we are all that parent. We have all made those mistakes. We have all felt that guilt. And you know what? Our kids survived. So we need to stop feeling guilty, refocus our energy, and move on. We have to forget the guilt. Or we might forget to do something else.

* This article originally appeared on The Mommy Vortex.